Ewan pero nitatamad ako.

Pumunta na lang kayo sa Multiply ko ha? Hehe.

I am a late-bloomer. I just realized it two weeks ago. I wasn’t feeling well. I thought I was just feeling odd because I am a bit stressed and tired because of my 7am-5:30pm class schedule during Wednesdays and Fridays. I do not have a formal lunch break time, but thanks to my DEVC140 laboratory instructor I can still eat lunch before my Biology1 lecture class at 1pm.

Anyway, I am a very late-bloomer. I just discovered two weeks ago that my wisdom tooth is coming out. It’s irritating! I hate it! My sister checked my teeth and said I still lack three (wisdom teeth). Ewan ko lang kung tama yung sinasabi nya. Sadness. I can’t eat properly.

Another thing about me, my Gridsys. Haha! It’s nosebleed. We did it for our DEVC70 laboratory class. My partner’s Toni. I’d have to wait for her interpretations. Here’s a view of my cluster diagram for constructs. CLICK.

Okay. Gotta go. Bye, bye.

Hay grabe. Kahit ako napagod sa mga nagdaang linggo kapag binabalik-balikan ko sila ngayon. Di ko lang talaga lubos maisip pa’no nagawa ni God yon. Amazing talaga si God. Indeed, Sya lang ang knight-in-shining-armor ko. Kung gusto ko naman ng prince, Sya rin yon … Prince of Peace.

Di ko ma-explain pero salamat talaga sa lahat ng mga brothers at sisters na di nagsasawa, sa discipler ko lalo na. Hay, Ate Jing di ko alam ano’ng gagawin ko kung di tayo nag-DG.

Anyway, kasi nalulungkot na naman ako for some reason. Yung emotions ko ay parang rollercoaster. Kahit ako, di ko rin maintindihan. Minsan kasi magulo lang talaga ako. Natural naman daw sa isang sanguine yung pagiging emotional — pero dapat Spirit-filled sanguine. Mahirap rin kasi minsan kasi stubborn ako. I mean, stubborn talaga ako kay God. Pag alam kong may nagawa akong mali, di ko gagawin ang quiet time ko. Alam ko kasing mapapagalitan lang ako ni God. Pagsasabihan Nya na naman ako. Eh ako naman, parang alam ko na rin ano’ng sasabihin ni God. Ang hilig ko kasing magmarunong. Mali … Mali talaga.

Madalas kasing lesson sa’kin ni God ay “above all else, guard your heart.” Feeling ko naman, alam ko na yung ibig sabihin no’n in its truest sense. Pero mali. Nahihirapan kasi talaga ako dating i-surrender kay God yung emotions ko — lalo na pagdating sa mga “special someone.” Parang ewan.

Alam ko namang hindi pa time ngayon. Pero kasi may mga temptations talaga ang enemy na minsan di mo napapansin o talagang pinipili mo na lang na hindi pansinin. Yung pangalawa ang ginagawa ko. Akala ko kasi tama, effective. Nag-rely ako masyado sa sarili ko. Hanggang sa dumating sa point na naging risk-taker ako. Sinasabi kong walang mali sa pagiging friends ko sa isang tao kahit alam kong yung feelings ko ay lumulukso na papalayo sa convictions ko.

*Guard your heart.* Yung kasalanan ni David na pagpatay sa asawa ni Bathsheba ay hindi nagsimula no’ng nakipag-sex s’ya kay Bathsheba o no’ng pinatay nya indirectly yung husband ni Bathsheba. Nagsimula yon sa mga little steps. Likewise, gano’n yung nangyari sa’kin. Tinatakasan ko yung thought na in the future ay mag-sstumble ako tuwing nagkikita kami o nag-uusap. Hanggang sa tuluyan akong mag-stumble.

Kung di pa ako nadapa eh di pa’ko tatakbong luhaan kay God. Fasting at praying. Grabe. Pati yung Not Even a Hint ay tulong talaga. Little by little, tinanggal ko muna sa sistema ko yung mga popular songs na nakaka-create ng kung anu-anong sinful thoughts sa utak ko. Pinalitan ko sila ng podcasts ng messages ni Chip Ingram at songs ng Hillsong at Casting Crowns. Di muna ako nag-iinternet masyado at nag-vow na i-aavoid ang sites na nakaka-stumble. God’s grace na nagawa ko.

Sabi nga sa BYPL eh lahat ay proseso. Di magiging one time, big time yan. Process. Maghihintay ka kay God at magrerely ka sa Holy Spirit. Kapag nagkamali ka, repent at isiping forgiven na ang ginawa mo dahil sa sacrifice ni Jesus sa cross.

Mahirap magsimula ulit. Although di ko naman talaga tinalikuran si God fully, masasabi kong mahirap na masarap na masaya ang spiritual renewal. Mahirap kasi i-susurrender ko daily kay God yung emotions ko every day. Habit na tanging si God lang makakapagbigay sa’kin. Tapos kapag may times na may nagagawa akong mali o kaya ay narerealize kong natetempt na naman ako, spiritual breathing (exhale ang lahat ng negativities at inhale ng promise ni God). Masarap kasi moment by moment nababago ka. Narerefresh. Masaya kasi … Masaya talaga, more than words.

Higit sa lahat, tinuro sa’kin ni God na hindi dahil Christian ako ay di na’ko magkakamali. Gano’n kasi ang tingin ko. Napepressure ako. Nagiging stiff para di ako magkamali. Hindi tama talaga.

Ngayon, tingin ko, hindi ang pagiging perpekto sa ugali, acads, at sa ibang pang aspects ng buhay ang naging pagkakaiba ng Christians. Nagkakamali rin naman ako, as a Christian. Ang pagkakaiba lang ay inaadmit natin kay God na nagkasala tayo, ilalagay ang faith kay Jesus at sa ginawa Nyang sacrifice sa cross para maging clean tayo, at i-surrender ang bawat araw sa Holy Spirit na guide nating lahat.

Whew! Indeed, moving forward at never stop hoping — parehong focused sa Master.

“Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength, They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31

My close friend called my attention last Friday telling me that I look very unapproachable. I do not know why she said that but I was … uhmmm … bothered.

I am not the type to be the first to initiate conversations. And I am definitely not the type who needs science and society as a topic so I would enjoy a conversation. Believe me, I am easily bored with those topics. And, and believe me, I just look mataray or masungit, but I am not … to some people, at least.

I am really unaware of how my eyes look. Toni said my eyes are really … powerful. Haha! Well I can’t change my eyes! They’re just there. But gosh, they are not scary naman ah. *sheepish*

Maybe I am really unapproachable but I just do not really talk to people I’m not close to. I mean I talk to people who can relate to my stories and whom I can relate to. Why?

One, I was traumatized by my classmate Nikko when we were in high school. He talked to me about how Filipinos needed discipline so our country could somehow develop. I quit talking to him afterwards. :p Sorry. I am just not the intellectual type. I talk about crushes, makeup, and fashion. Things like those interest me. When Nikko started talking to me about society, I was really experiencing internal hemorrhage.

Two, I do not have a talent in initiating conversations. Haha! Whenever I do, I end up looking stupid or feeling stupid.

Three, my face just looks that way. Blame UP for making me look haggard and sickly. And blame my parents for giving my face that look. Haha!

Conclusion? You can really approach me. Just do not expect me to be that warm towards you. Hahaha!

My younger sister’s friend was inviting us to watch the UAAP game two weeks ago. I think one of the two teams was ADMU. I love Blue Eagles! I love Chris Tiu. Sadly, I haven’t watched him yet and I didn’t go to the game.

Call me stupid but I really can’t finish watching one whole game, even if it’s Chris Tiu holding the ball. I do not know why. In the 19 years of my life here on earth, there are only two basketball games I’ve watched from beginning to end. And those two basketball games were the games wherein my used-to-be played. Yikes!

Honestly, he’s such a good basketball player. Yikes! Maybe I am able to say that he plays well because I do not know anything about basketball. But really, he is. Hahaha! Labo. Anyway, I miss cheering for someone and being nervous and all for the last two minutes of the game. Hoping and praying that the team he’s in will win. Feeling proud of him because he just made a three-point shot and having a sugar-rush when he tells you afterwards that the shot was for you.

Gosh I am really sick.

I was really excited to post an entry last Friday, but there were some problems with my blog host siguro. Anyway, I have a lot of entries to post. Just a warning.

Gosh, I’m blogging in here again.

I am close to tears while I type this entry, believe me.

Last night was an emotional night. For some reason, I just cried and cried and cried out to God. The first line of the song “Happily Never After” by Nicole S. kept replaying in my mind. “I don’t think I want this anymore…”

Not that “this” there is the pronoun for being a Christian. I can’t tell you exactly what “this” stands for. I was quite emotional that night (actually, it was already 3am). I was praying and begging God to give me a real friend who will really understand me, without pre-judging me. I just needed someone to pour out my heart to, someone who’ll make me feel I’m not alone in this. Minutes later, after praying or crying out to Him, God answered me. …

More than two years ago, when I was still a freshman, I met two new friends. I could never forget that day — June 21, 2006. It was around 10am, before our MATH11 class. Gabe,a good friend, introduced me to Maren. I was actually intimidated by Maren’s aura. She seemed so quiet and really intelligent. I didn’t want to be left alone with Maren because I didn’t know how to start talking to her or what topic she might be interested in.

But after a few weeks, I got along with Maren. Together with Gabe, we blushed at the sight of our MATH11 instructor and exchanged our crushes’ names and code names. (Kasali ka nga ba sa fans’ club ni Sir, Maren? )

Fast forward to now, I can never really remember how I started opening up to Maren. Was it during our DEVC11 days or our DEVC20 days? Was it because Annie invited Mareni to be a part of Yuckers? Or because it was God’s miracle?

I really do not know and I do not care how and when it started. All I know is that I am really blessed to have Maren as a friend. What I love about her is she never fails to make herself available for friends who need friends, like me. She encourages and never fails to uplift me when I’m down. Whether I did the right or wrong thing, Maren never judges me when I fill her in on what happened. She listens and just listens and tells me she understands. She doesn’t give her opinion and advice, unless I ask her to. And that’s what I exactly need.

Beyond first impressions and harsh ways to catch up with each other’s lives is a friendship I can’t even find words to describe. I think it’s not even friendship … It’s a sisterly bond (Hahaha! Assumingera ba’ko Marenita? Ü).

Thank you Maren for the reply this morning … considering na di ka naka-unli at ang tipid ko sumagot. Kahit napaka-nonsense ng tinext ko sa’yo: “Maren … )’:” I’ll forever thank God for your presence.

Ang mushy. *tear*

Here it goes again. It beats like a drum and I feel so helpless I can’t stop it.

It feels like I have butterflies in my stomach. It’s like I’m wanting you again. Why can’t I breathe? =/

Nothing stays forever. That is why you should live the moment and enjoy.

Not quite a very good life mantra. It’s quite tricky to live by these words. Why? … 

A little background: these statements were unsolicited advices I got from a friend because I told her someone found me interesting and wanted to be my husband, err my boyfriend pala. LOL.

Before you react, I don’t like the guy. Fine, I liked him a bit, but not love. I told my BFF the situation and she told me that I should go for it. She said I deserve to be happy after what “you’ve gone through with your ex.” Right? Wrong.

Okay, although I get all kilig from the things he does for me, for the way he is concerned with me, I decided not to go for it. Why?

One, he’s not a Christian. I want a guy who loves God more than he loves me. If he loves God, he’ll be afraid to hurt me or disrespect me. He’ll also understand why I am saying no to relationships and would rather develop frendships and study inside my room.

Two, I am not allowed to be in a relationship. No matter how corny I may sound, it’s true. Now don’t approach me and say I can hide the relationship from my parents, because I might just punch you. I am not being a goody-goody daughter. It’s just that in my opinion, it’s a total disrespect to your parents if you’ll hide your romantic relationship from them. I’m sorry. You can hate me for saying that, but that’s my opinion. And I firmly believe that it’s right and it’s good. C’mon, you’re parents won’t want anything bad for you. If they won’t allow you to be with someone, it’s because they want what’s best for you. As what I’ve always said, God sometimes speaks through our parents.

Three, the advice my friend gave was somewhat unwise. If I would cease everything that comes my way I would’ve killed myself already. Just because I feel happy whenever I’m with that guy does not mean I’ll do everything that feels so right. Don’t you think that the “cease the moment” mantra is the reason why there’s a lot of broken relationships in this world? Because everyone seems to follow what they feel and not think things over?

And fourth, I’m in a long wait for someone (who won’t seem to come). Okay, call me a loser but you can’t stop me.

For now, it’s not the right time to be in a relationship. I have too much responsibilities and my life is already complicated enough for me.

Who/What do you blame for your bad mood today? I’m not in a bad mood eh.

What was the first thing you did this morning? Remove my blanket which was tangled around my legs.

Do you care what people think of you? Sometimes.

Who was the last person you took a picture with? My friend Gabe, before the UP Centennial Photo Shoot.

Last person you went to the movies with? My friend Kung Fu Panda. LOL.

Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? Forward. Excited magtapos ng college eh. Hehehe.

What are you looking forward to right now? To graduate and to work. Hahaha! Yikes! Maybe to eat dinner.

Who was your last text from? Ate Jing.

Where was your default taken? Ewan. Hahaha.

Your current relationship status? Single, but reserved.

Do you hate the last person who broke your heart? Who is he/she? Bad to hold grudges.

Do you like anyone? Like, love. Yes. I love me. Hahaha! Vain.

What is happening between you and the person you like? I dunno. Wala eh. Magpataba! Labo.

If you could go back in time and change something, would you? No regrets.

Have a crazy side? Yes.

Ever had a near death experience? Wala pa naman. Praise God.

Something you do a lot? Sleep. Sobra. If you can only be with me for a day, you’d think I’m dead kasi tulog ako ng tulog.

How many people have you really liked in the past 8 months? Kung like marami. Kung love, marami rin — family, friends, si …. Hahahaha!

What did you do a while ago? Attended Upsilon’s Presidential Lecture Series.

Where will you be 12 hours from now? school.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward? Not really. I make them feel awkward eh. :p

What are you going to do tomorrow? Balik-eskwela.

Where do you wish you were right now? With Mama and Daddy.

Does anyone hate you for no reason? Yes. Ewan bakit. I don’t care.

Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it back? Yes. Yung Private Notebook of Katie Roberts ko na book. :((

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for? Oo, my little sister.

Something you’ll never do? Become fat. Sorry. Anorexic tendencies.

What was the first thing you thought this morning? Tinatamad ako umattend ng lecture sa DL Umali.

Is the person you have a crush on older or younger than you? Older.

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it? Oo naman.

How is your day so far? FUN!

Do you regret anything? NO.

Whats your favorite season? Christmas season.

Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted? Oo naman.

When did your last hug take place? Kaninang umaga.

Do you drink tea? iced tea lang.

What song are you listening to right now? Fergie’s Finally.

Are you happy with your life? Oo naman.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? Almost 3years ago. Nostalgic. Hahahaha!

Who were you last in a car with? Sina Tito Gary. Hahaha!

Where were you heading then? Calamba.